


show me where to find a silver lining

by jvnsen



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Adoption, Andrew and Neil wanting to become parents, Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 06:27:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10714038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvnsen/pseuds/jvnsen
Summary: Neil doesn't think he's ever seen Andrew want anything more in his life.alternative summary: i kept reading those cute fics of andreil adopting kids and having a happy family and then my brain was like: "okay but how about the exact opposite of that"





	show me where to find a silver lining

**Author's Note:**

> title from atlas: son - sleeping at last.
> 
> also, if you want to know what exactly the ~angst is (although you can probably guess from the summary) before diving in, i'll put a warning in the end notes you can read before deciding to read the fic.

They had discussed this.

They had talked about this, at length, for months. Years, really, if you count the first time it was hesitantly brought up.

They knew it wouldn't be easy, or perfect, but they wanted it.

Neil doesn't think he's ever seen Andrew want anything more in his life.

When Neil first discovered Andrew was good with kids, it was surprising, until Neil realized it shouldn't have been surprising at all.

Andrew had a softer side with children, one that not even Neil got to see very often. Neil knew Andrew would do anything to protect any child, to make sure they never went through what he went through. Neil couldn’t wait to see Andrew fiercely protect their own child like that, to make sure that nothing happened to him or her except the occasional skinned knee.

They had discussed it, and they had done their research. The state they were living in allowed same-sex couples to adopt, plus they were already married, which they knew would be a plus to the agency.

They hadn’t specified what age they wanted on the application, so they spent hours looking up what children of any age would need, emotionally and physically. Andrew mostly knew the basics, but Neil was rarely around other small kids growing up and had no clue at what pace kids should be mentally developing and what their interests would be at certain ages.

All in all, they thought they were prepared, or at least as prepared as anyone can be.

This, though, blindsided them. This, they hadn’t prepared for. This, they didn’t even think was an option.

They’re sitting in these hard plastic chairs at the adoption agency. The woman in front of them looks apologetic, but it borders on forced like she gives out bad news every single day and it doesn't really bother her much at this point.

_I’m sorry, but with your record, Andrew, the adoption application did not go through. Although you have not had any incidents happen anytime in the near past, and you both have demonstrated during the home study that you would be able to provide a stable home and environment, the agency just wasn't able to overlook your background. You are, of course, welcome to reapply in the future and have your case revisited._

Andrew doesn't react.

Neil can see the tiny flinch, the way his hands curl up slightly, but otherwise, he doesn't react, and Neil is overwhelmed by how badly he wants to hug Andrew, even though he knows it would be unwanted and unappreciated.

Neil starts to ask,  _how did this happen, they had great references and they have a nice home with a backyard and -_

Andrew walks out.

Neil debates for a second whether he should give Andrew space or not, but goes immediately after him anyways, barely shooting their case worker a second glance. Andrew may or may not want to see Neil right now, but he’ll let Andrew decide that.

Neil finds Andrew standing outside, with his knuckles red and angry, but the brick wall in front of him looking completely unharmed. Before Neil can say or do anything, Andrew just shakes his hand out before walking to the car.

When Neil gets in the passenger seat, the car is already on and moving before he has a chance to even grab his seat belt.

Andrew drives them home quickly, but he stops in front of the driveway rather than pulling in, and Neil sees it as the dismissal it is.

He pauses in getting out of the car, and says, “Be careful. Call me if you need me.” He hesitates, then says, “We’ll be okay, Andrew.”

He doesn’t get a response, but that’s to be expected.

He stands on the curb, watching until the car is completely out of sight.

-

When Andrew comes home, it’s late and Neil is already in bed, one cat at his feet while the other is curled up on Andrew’s empty pillow. He had been staring at the ceiling, thinking over his words earlier, _We’ll be okay,_ and wondering how exactly that was ever going to be true when the front door downstairs slams shut.

Neil waits to hear footsteps on the stairs, but when after about five minutes he still hears none, he throws on a hoodie that he finds on the floor before heading down.

The cats stay where they are, apparently deeming whatever Neil is getting up for it not interesting enough to take away from their sleep.

Andrew’s just sitting at the kitchen table, quiet. He’s fiddling with a pen, and he stares at Neil when he hears him enter the kitchen.

Neil thinks about asking where Andrew had gone, but he knows he wouldn't get a response, or if he did, it wouldn't be a straightforward one and would just serve to frustrate him. He thinks about asking if Andrew is okay, and it almost slips out of his mouth automatically except he knows that's an even dumber to question to ask than asking where Andrew was.

He chooses to simply sit in the chair across from Andrew and wait.

Andrew continues to mess with the pen in the silence, the repetitive clicking sound loud in the quiet house.

Finally, Andrew says, “You haven't left yet.”

Neil stares at him. That wasn't what he had been expecting, although, he doesn't know what he _had_ been expecting. “Of course I haven't.”

Andrew’s response is quick, the word leaving his mouth the second Neil finishes speaking. “Why?”

“You know why.”

Andrew remains silent.

“Andrew, you know why.”

“I’m the reason you can't have a family. I’m the reason you can't have a child.”

“Andrew, what? There's still - we have options. And I can’t fault you because of what happened years ago. I can’t fault you for defending Nicky, I can’t fault you for Drake, and I can’t fault you for the court forcing you to take those fucking meds.” Andrew flinches at when Neil says the name Drake, barely noticeable but there. “You know, it could have been my past they drug up. We’ve both done things and had things done to us outside of our control.”

Andrew scoffs. “Yeah, but I can't just have my entire past erased by the FBI like you can.”

Neil bites his tongue, hard enough to taste blood, before saying, “All I need is you, Andrew. I don't need a kid.”

“Stop with that shit, Neil. Don’t you dare fucking pretend you weren't just as invested into this as I was.”

Neil makes a choking sound, and against his will, tears spring up in his eyes.

“You’re right. I am, I - This hurts. I wanted a kid. I want a kid, Andrew, but I know you do too and I’m just trying -” Neil tries to take a deep breath but the air in his lungs hurts and feels like it's suffocating him. “We can get through this together. That's what I’m saying. We can get through this together.”

Neil stands up, arms tucked around himself. “Let's just go to bed. It's late.”

When they get in bed, minutes pass of them laying in silence before Andrew takes Neil’s hand in his and intertwines their fingers, a temporary peace offering.

Even though nothing is fixed, really, he doesn't feel like each breath is suffocating him anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> ** warning for failed adoption.
> 
> also just some little notes i thought i'd add about writing this fic, although they're not necessary to read at all! 
> 
> \- if this is just, incredibly OOC, i'm sorry. i've read the books multiple times but i still really struggle writing these characters.
> 
> \- i'm kind of debating continuing this. i do have a few extra scenes written already that i couldn't get out of my head but they didn't really fit into this, but could maybe possibly fit into a future chapter. but honestly i'm not exactly sure what direction i should take this fic, although i have ideas. i do feel like i could go way more in depth on both of their feelings towards their current situation, because they both have very complex feelings towards it, so if you'd like to see this be continued let me know.
> 
> \- also i think in the books it mentions andrew fidgeting with things sometimes? but that might be incorrect.


End file.
